In my family nobody talks about it. In my family it’s one of those things that everyone knows about but no one has the “freedom” to say how they feel about it. We just don’t talk about it. I sit here thinking about how many of my family members had to endure the same pain, and I am almost near tears. I have less family members that have not been molested than family members that have… BUT I won’t make this about anyone but me. This is my road to freedom; I pray that you will join my journey. I hope that this would help to free someone that is struggling with some of the same issues that I had been hiding for years. I was trapped because I didn’t know what was holding me. AND when I did realize what was holding me hostage, I was so broken by it I had to build myself up enough, to even be strong enough, to rid myself of it. I WAS MOLESTED!
I remember the first person that I told this to. My older brother. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was 2005 when I told him. We were sitting in his car drinking cheap vodka and lots of it lol. We were so drunk I couldn’t stop the words from bubbling up inside of me. The time had come for me to release this thing that was all over me! It was in my walk, my talk; my interactions with every person before that point were phony to me because I felt like I wasn’t being my true self. I was hiding something deep inside of me that was killing me. So this was my chance to release it. Lol I think he cried more than I did lol. He will never know how much I owe him for that. I call him my brother because I have been friends with him since I was 11 years old. I love that man for allowing me to trust him enough to start my road to freedom with him. I will never forget that moment bro. Lol him being the big brother he is he asked me where the guy lived, do I know where we could find him. I would have hated to see what he would have done to Anthony had I known where we could find him. My brother once pushed a guy for pulling a gun out on me. He bullied the one guy who tried to bully me. I love my brother.
So I was about 9 years old at the time, and Anthony was 18. We stayed off of 14th and Capitol at the time. Anthony had a basketball on the back of his mother’s garage where a lot of the dudes in the neighborhood would play ball. I always was a lot more mature than the boys my own age so I would try to hang around the older guys after we would play. I think about it years later and know that him offering me a dollar for penny candy was his way of grooming me. I would walk to the store without my mother’s permission and he would keep that a secret for me. Now I know how a predators mind works so I know how calculated he must have been. The year had to have been about 1989-1991. I really misplaced that time period in my life for so long that I can’t recall for sure when it was. All I remember for sure is the vinyl record player that he had in the basement that played until… until he would send me out the back door with a dollar and tell me that he wouldn’t tell my mother if I walked to the store and got some candy. He kept my secret so that I would keep his…
I wish I would have said something then; maybe I could have saved someone else. Predators are almost guaranteed to have more than one victim. SPEAK UP!
Fast forward to 2009, I am talking to a counselor about being molested. She is the second person that I told. I am so in love and secure in my relationship with Nicole (I had proposed to her literally days before) that I ask my counselor if I should tell her about me being molested. She asked if I thought she should know. I told her it would be only right for her to know why I had done some of the things that I had done in the past. I had done it all at this point. I mean I had whored myself out for a dollar worth of penny candy so I had no problem whoring myself out for a couple hundred here and there (every once and awhile a grand or two lol)! I am 32 years old and to this day I cannot recall me losing my virginity. I mean it was just never really important to me after 1989-1991. So 2009 I told my counselor and Nicole in the same year that I was molested. It took me four years to tell a second person. So I told Nicole what happened and she made me feel loved afterwards. I felt STRONG after that talk because she knew the one thing that I thought I should hide from the world and she still loved me!!!!!! I owe her soooo much for that. When I told her I specifically asked her to keep it between me and her. YEAH about that lol. She told my mother. Not sure how soon after I told Nicole that she told mother but she did. My mother let the cat out of the bag one day I was sitting in her kitchen talking to her. She asked me if there was anything that I wanted to tell her. Now my mother has this way of saying certain things, that when she says them I can read her tone perfectly and know exactly what she knew. She would ask me when I was younger “how was school TODAY” (lol) and I would know she knew I didn’t go! So I might as well come clean. But this day I knew that she knew but I just couldn’t bring myself to say it to her. I WAS MOLESTED!
I was so mad at Nicole for telling my mother and I asked her not to tell anyone. It was the FIRST time that I felt she had lied to me, and betrayed me! What I had to do was recall the virtuous woman that I KNOW her to be! So when I did that I was forced to look at me!!!! I was forced to ask myself why didn’t I want anyone to know, why was I still hiding and who was I hiding from? That’s when I realized that the one person that I didn’t want to know, now knew. If my mother knew what had happened to me I didn’t care who else knew after that!!!!! So God gave me my wife, my wife showed me my path to freedom just by being the woman that she is. Nicole didn’t tell my mother to be spiteful, it was the total opposite. She told my mother to free me from the trap that I was caught in. If you hold the power to free someone, as long as you are doing it out of love, please do it! They may be mad at you for a long while but if it was from love, they will know the difference! They will come around 😉
The road to freedom is a never ending journey. The road starts with first admitting to yourself what is ailing you. Then being able to admit it to someone else (THIS IS A VERY VULNERABLE PLACE TO BE, BUT YOU CAN IGNORE THAT FEELING AND JUST SAY IT!!!!!!!). AND even after that being able to admit it to the world. You have to understand that when you hide some of the things that you have been through you may be keeping someone else from the healing that you were meant to deliver to them. When you find the cure it is your duty to share it with as many people that may NEED IT!
i was molested…
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