MOLESTED till I was 25

In my family nobody talks about it.  In my family it’s one of those things that everyone knows about but no one has the “freedom” to say how they feel about it.  We just don’t talk about it.  I sit here thinking about how many of my family members had to endure the same pain, and I am almost near tears.  I have less family members that have not been molested than family members that have…  BUT I won’t make this about anyone but me.  This is my road to freedom; I pray that you will join my journey.  I hope that this would help to free someone that is struggling with some of the same issues that I had been hiding for years.  I was trapped because I didn’t know what was holding me.  AND when I did realize what was holding me hostage, I was so broken by it I had to build myself up enough, to even be strong enough, to rid myself of it.  I WAS MOLESTED!

I remember the first person that I told this to.  My older brother.  I remember it like it was yesterday. It was 2005 when I told him. We were sitting in his car drinking cheap vodka and lots of it lol.  We were so drunk I couldn’t stop the words from bubbling up inside of me. The time had come for me to release this thing that was all over me!  It was in my walk, my talk; my interactions with every person before that point were phony to me because I felt like I wasn’t being my true self.  I was hiding something deep inside of me that was killing me.  So this was my chance to release it.  Lol I think he cried more than I did lol.  He will never know how much I owe him for that.  I call him my brother because I have been friends with him since I was 11 years old.  I love that man for allowing me to trust him enough to start my road to freedom with him.  I will never forget that moment bro.  Lol him being the big brother he is he asked me where the guy lived, do I know where we could find him.  I would have hated to see what he would have done to Anthony had I known where we could find him.  My brother once pushed a guy for pulling a gun out on me.  He bullied the one guy who tried to bully me. I love my brother.

So I was about 9 years old at the time, and Anthony was 18.  We stayed off of 14th and Capitol at the time.  Anthony had a basketball on the back of his mother’s garage where a lot of the dudes in the neighborhood would play ball.  I always was a lot more mature than the boys my own age so I would try to hang around the older guys after we would play.  I think about it years later and know that him offering me a dollar for penny candy was his way of grooming me.  I would walk to the store without my mother’s permission and he would keep that a secret for me.  Now I know how a predators mind works so I know how calculated he must have been. The year had to have been about 1989-1991.  I really misplaced that time period in my life for so long that I can’t recall for sure when it was.  All I remember for sure is the vinyl record player that he had in the basement that played until… until he would send me out the back door with a dollar and tell me that he wouldn’t tell my mother if I walked to the store and got some candy.  He kept my secret so that I would keep his…

I wish I would have said something then; maybe I could have saved someone else.  Predators are almost guaranteed to have more than one victim.  SPEAK UP!

Fast forward to 2009, I am talking to a counselor about being molested.  She is the second person that I told.  I am so in love and secure in my relationship with Nicole (I had proposed to her literally days before) that I ask my counselor if I should tell her about me being molested.  She asked if I thought she should know.  I told her it would be only right for her to know why I had done some of the things that I had done in the past.  I had done it all at this point.  I mean I had whored myself out for a dollar worth of penny candy so I had no problem whoring myself out for a couple hundred here and there (every once and awhile a grand or two lol)!  I am 32 years old and to this day I cannot recall me losing my virginity.  I mean it was just never really important to me after 1989-1991.  So 2009 I told my counselor and Nicole in the same year that I was molested.  It took me four years to tell a second person.  So I told Nicole what happened and she made me feel loved afterwards.  I felt STRONG after that talk because she knew the one thing that I thought I should hide from the world and she still loved me!!!!!!  I owe her soooo much for that.  When I told her I specifically asked her to keep it between me and her.  YEAH about that lol.  She told my mother.  Not sure how soon after I told Nicole that she told mother but she did.  My mother let the cat out of the bag one day I was sitting in her kitchen talking to her.  She asked me if there was anything that I wanted to tell her.  Now my mother has this way of saying certain things, that when she says them I can read her tone perfectly and know exactly what she knew.  She would ask me when I was younger “how was school TODAY” (lol) and I would know she knew I didn’t go!  So I might as well come clean.  But this day I knew that she knew but I just couldn’t bring myself to say it to her. I WAS MOLESTED!

I was so mad at Nicole for telling my mother and I asked her not to tell anyone.  It was the FIRST time that I felt she had lied to me, and betrayed me!  What I had to do was recall the virtuous woman that I KNOW her to be! So when I did that I was forced to look at me!!!!  I was forced to ask myself why didn’t I want anyone to know, why was I still hiding and who was I hiding from?  That’s when I realized that the one person that I didn’t want to know, now knew.  If my mother knew what had happened to me I didn’t care who else knew after that!!!!! So God gave me my wife, my wife showed me my path to freedom just by being the woman that she is.  Nicole didn’t tell my mother to be spiteful, it was the total opposite.  She told my mother to free me from the trap that I was caught in.  If you hold the power to free someone, as long as you are doing it out of love, please do it! They may be mad at you for a long while but if it was from love, they will know the difference! They will come around  😉

The road to freedom is a never ending journey.  The road starts with first admitting to yourself what is ailing you. Then being able to admit it to someone else (THIS IS A VERY VULNERABLE PLACE TO BE, BUT YOU CAN IGNORE THAT FEELING AND JUST SAY IT!!!!!!!).  AND even after that being able to admit it to the world.  You have to understand that when you hide some of the things that you have been through you may be keeping someone else from the healing that you were meant to deliver to them.  When you find the cure it is your duty to share it with as many people that may NEED IT!

i was molested…

31 comments

  1. This is amirrah, daughter of Andre, when he told me that he had been molested all I could do was ask god for the confidence to not burst into tears alesat until the night.i go through a lot of pain and struggle that no one would imagine to happen to an eleven year old girl it stated when she was 3 but I never even told my dad anything that I feel, herd or know.its hard for an eleven year old girl to take care of her guardians and herself and her emotions its really hard for me to be happy about but the lord has made me very strong and I thank him for that

  2. This is amirrah daughter of andre I really love him and when he had told me all I could do was ask god to help me hold it in just until the night because Im not the one to share my feelings and I might not ever but I know one thing god had to have made me strong because with all the pain and stuggle to hold it in for so long is tough but I have to keep being strong because its just way to hard and emotional to admit the pain that ive been holding in and might hold it in forever but I ask the lord just in case it does keep making me as strong as I need because the pain never ends it just gets worse and worse and worse………………………

  3. Hi Andre,
    I stumbled upon your blog through a comment on face book. I admire you and you wife, I also am so glad to see that you give the credit to God for your headings. I was molested , I don’t know exactly hoe old I was when it began , I know it was before I started school and continued until I was15when I said that was it no more. My family don’t talk about it because some say I made it up. I know the mental anguish that you went through , unfortunately it was a family member who did it to me.after I refused to allow it to cont my life was made more miserable emotionally . My mother did not know until I was21 . She asked why didn’t I tell her but I was physically abuse before he would sexually abuse me. And I feared for my life. Things got worse over the years until I had not one but two mental breakdowns. Then I found my saviour. But throught the years I thought the only way to be loved was to let the man have his way. He passed away 12 years ago, I had to forgive him , because to be the Christian the lord wanted me to be I had to forgive him , it was a hard thing to do but he did tell me before he died he told he was sorry for making my life the way it was. To this day every now and again I have dreams that are so real , but I know my saviour will not allow it to happen anymore. I am now 52 . I watched my two children like a hawk as they were growing up. My daughter was close to my mom and I would always tell her when she spent the night to stay with my mom and as she got older I told her and my son what happen so that they knew why I was like I was with them. I thank God for people like yourself who try to help people to come out in the open and stop it before the nightmares get worse . God Bless you and your wife.

  4. I thank you for your support as always! She is THE only reason that I was able to be free of the shame. Her love made me feel protected enough to NOT CARE what others would think. She really is the only person I credit with me being as “free” as I am. Thats my boo thang lol
    Thank you Tisha

  5. Andre and Nicole,

    First, I want to Thank you for sharing this story. It takes a strong person to admit something so taboo as this. I love how you credit Nicole for helping you! Behind every strong man is a woman who is holding him up! I love that about you two. Although I have never met you I know Nicole. Nicole is an intelligent, powerful and gem! I wish the both of you success!

  6. I want to thank you for sharing your story with us! It took me awhile to understand that when I do share my story with others they may learn something from my perspective. My story is not for me to sir on and act like I am the only man that has ever gone through something like this, it happened to me so that I may show someone else that it is ok to express how it made them feel as well as how it affected their life. “The battle is not yours, it’s the lords”.
    Thank you again for sharing, I hope you plan to stay awhile. And please bring friends and family along with you! 🙂

  7. Andre: Thank you for sharing your powerful and gut-wrenching story. As a sexual-abuse survivor myself, I found that the hardest thing to say to my therapist was that, ” I was sexually abused.” Once I said those words, it became so real, and I felt so incredibly vulnerable and ashamed. It became the truth. It was out there, and I couldn’t take it back. I wish I could, but as I get older and somewhat wiser, I know that what happened to me was not my FAULT. I was in 1st grade and when these events happened, I was totally confused and knew that what was happening was wrong, but couldn’t process it. I completely pushed it out of my mind and basically forgot about it. Something triggered within me in my early 20’s, and those memories morphed into a new reality. My body and my mind went to that 6 year old all over again. I had a new perspective, and it felt worse than when I was actually abused. I had a vocabulary, a way of processing that pain I pushed away and forgot. Instead of “acting out” or being sexually promiscuous, I guarded my body as if I was protecting my soul. After many years of counseling/therapy and medication, I loved myself and wanted someone to love me for me; not for my sexuality, not for my body. I saved myself until I met my husband. I told him everything, and he understood why I was still a virgin when I met him. Some of my coworkers thought it was “cute” or even funny that I was still a virgin at 30. I didn’t think it was cute at all. I wanted that man, the man with whom I was going to spend the rest of my life with, to respect me. He did respect me. He respected my virginity and my reasons behind it. I have no regrets for waiting. I have no regrets for sharing my story if it helps anyone reading it. Thank you, Andre!

  8. Aaaaah! I see. Okay, well that’s a relief. I completely misunderstood. Once again, my hat is off to you Andre for sharing and Nicole my hat is off to you to for being so supportive. We must support our husbands especially when they need it most. Best wishes to you both!

  9. Hey Dee,
    I Know that my wife thanked you for visiting the site but I also wanted to thank you again for the support! The actual molestation lasted maybe a couple of weeks, if that! BUT the long term affects of the molestation lasted even longer than 25! 25 was the age that I started my “freedom” process. It was the first time that I had expressed to anyone what had happened to me. The fact that you took the time to read this and you had your own son in mind means the world to me! That is the exact reason that I wrote this, for my own healing, and also the healing and protection of someone else’s child.
    Thank you!

  10. Hi Dee! We thank you for taking the time to visit. The actual effects of the event lasted until he was 25 (or better), not the actions. 🙂 I think Andre’s title may have lead some readers to come to that conclusion.

  11. You are very courageous for telling this story. Sex predators are very crafty at manipulating children to get the child to trust them. However, I am curious to know why it went on for so long. Until you were 25. Did the bribes get bigger as you got older? Or did it just become so routine that you didn’t question it as you got older? I have a son who is a teenager and I paid very close attention to the friends and even family in his life when he was younger, but I’ve sort of backed off. This post makes me want to rethink that decision. It seems I’m not in the clear just yet.

  12. Andre, I really don’t think anyone could have imagined that you are built as strong and tough as you are. You have really turned out well. Hopefully this release of information can free you as you stated. While reading this, I kept thinking about my sister. Here is a story within my family that I note being worthy of this column.

    I recently found out that I have a sister with down syndrome that was raped by her caretaker. This was kept a secret from my siblings and I for about 5 years before one of our parents told us what had happened. The caretaker for my sister and about 3 other special needs kids was taking advantage of my sister and my sister became quiet and quieter when we would meet for holidays and family get togethers. It is now apparent that she knew she was being violated, but was manipulated into not saying anything to my parents when they got together. This MOLESTER/RAPIST apparently served 18 months in prison as a penalty. 18 months! I’m not sure what was proven and what was not, but I do know he walks the streets a free man right now and it drives me crazy knowing there is nothing I can do to reverse time and free my sister from the nightmares that she deals with today. PS-This guys wife, also a caretaker, caught him in the act. They’re still married. I don’t understand her logic in staying with him. She somehow brushed it off, how does that happen?

  13. I agree with you Bro. In order to rise as high as you are destined, your soul must be light and free as possible! Thank you for your support and encouraging words!

  14. Wow. Takes a big man to bare his soul like that. Getting that heavy load off your heart will make your journey to the top much easier. Proud of you, bro.

  15. Meka first of all thank you for stopping by the site! Secondly I am glad that you are a survivor of molestation!!!! You are strong and powerful and your story deserves to be told so that you can help to heal others! I am proud of you!!!!
    LIFEGUARD MOVEMENT!!!

  16. Thank you for your kind words but I cannot take any credit for my message!!! God saw fit to allow this to happen to me so that I could heal someone else or prevent them from having to go through something similar. It is easy to stay humble though when your standing behind GOD!
    Peace to you and yours

  17. Thank you. I wrote my mom a letter my freshman year in high school. We cried together. Found out that it happened to her at an early age also. I felt freed once she knew. This is why I hold on to my kids tightly. I refuse to continue this cycle.

  18. Indeed, a Powerful and Important Message Here! Kudos to you Andre for being honest enough, humble enough and Man enough to share this Truth! Each One, Teach at Least Two, We have a Lot of Catching Up to Do! Peace, Prosperity and Love, HDK

  19. Yes, people sometimes refer to me as a victim… And I feel like that means im still in the predicament. which that I am not. I feel more like a survivor… I made it through it, and am continuing to move on in my life even though it has been 8 years (wow how time flies) since I was last molested, and it still affects me EVERY day.
    & Amen to “The devil tried to make me break down behind what happened to me, but God saw fit to free me”! I feel the same way! I feel God knew I was strong enough and would grow wise enough, and used me to help others who’ve been hurt as I have, and save the others from his (my father’s) actions.
    Although in the midst of the rape & molestation, my father & I were best friends. & Unfortunately he wasn’t as strong as me, and took his life out of guilt, and not wanting to serve time. I inherited my strength from my GOD! &So have YOU! (And from your mother as well) . So I believe “Survivor” suits us well….. 🙂

  20. Andre,

    You are such a strong individual and I admire you for being able to share your story. Often times, people think that strength comes with taking all of the burden and carrying it on your own back. But true strength comes when you are able to trust enough to share your burdens. In doing this, you open yourself up for growth. There is a gospel song on the kingdom come soundtrack that says, “In order to change, you gotta go through some changes.” So true!!! In order to get where you wanna be, you have to go through a path that you’ve never been on before.

  21. Thank you Bro! I know God has some blessings coming for me because I want nothing more than to see families blessed and these children with parents that love them the correct way! AND God knows that would be the best blessing that he could EVER give me!!!!! Man just envisioning that alone is a blessing to me lol
    God is going to put some men back at the head of their houses. He is going to put some men back on the thrones that they have fallen from! I am a King, and I am raising Kings, and a Queen! Nothing less will be accepted!
    I am sure that you feel the same way! Thank you for supporting bro please share this with as many men as you possibly can!
    LOVE!

  22. I LIKE THAT SURVIVOR!!!!!!! I endured, I beat that thing! The devil tried to make me break down behind what happened to me, but God saw fit to free me! I truly believe that he has a reason for freeing me and that is to free other people from some of the same issues! I can’t wait until I have a bigger platform to speak from, I am going to free whole families from this “generational curse”! My mother told me something one time that will always stick with me “a prophet is received last in his own home”. Now I don’t take that literally because I am not a prophet, and I am received quite well in my physical home, but I mean in the “man with a dream” trying to free some of the closest people to me, and they seem to not want to hear me! Sometimes I get sad about that, hence having to talk with mother about it
    Thank you for sharing and joining in on the conversation! Please come again, make this your home lol
    Nothing but love here!

  23. Hey Tammy,
    Transparent is exactly the basis for Soul Priority Entertainment! Whether it be in my music, in Nicole’s book or any other artist that we represent! We will always be transparent, my WORD!
    “Generational Curses” man man man, I am a firm believer in you have to acknowledge that something is wrong before you have any power to fix things! There are so many families ignoring the hurt and drowning themselves in sedatives to keep from feeling the pain. AND all the while passing the same issues down to their children, and their children, and their children! It makes my heart ache sometimes. BUT it only sheds light on how much work SOUL PRIORITY ENTERTAINMENT has ahead of us!
    Thank you for your insight, blessings…

  24. Hey Tammy,
    Transparent is exactly the basis for Soul Priority Entertainment! Whether it be in my music, in Nicole’s book or any other artist that we represent! We will always be transparent, my WORD!
    “Generational Curses” man man man, I am a firm believer in you have to acknowledge that something is wrong before you have any power to fix things! There are so many families ignoring the hurt and drowning themselves in sedatives to keep from feeling the pain. AND all the while passing the same issues down to their children, and their children, and their children! It makes my heart ache sometimes. BUT it only sheds light on how much work SOUL PRIORITY ENTERTAINMENT has ahead of us!
    Thank you for your insight, blessings…

  25. I don’t mind being admired at all lol 😉 but I give it all to God! He has had his hand on my life from the day I was born. I do agree with you when you say that these problems are facing “our community”, if you mean EVERY community in the United States. Sexual abuse is going on every where even in the church!!!!! Someone has to stand up for these kids and I have no problem being the one to do so! I have no problem having people look at me like I am a weirdo for being “FREE” enough to say I been molested! If it would mean I could save one child from that pain…
    Thank you for listening!

  26. Very powerful testimony and Thank U for sharing it! It’s testimonies like yours that really shows how Great God is and how he works! God has a blessing in store for U my brother! For U to share this and be an inspiration to others is truly a Blessing! I admire U for your courage and your strength! Stay strong in the Lord because he is really going to do somthing powerful with U! God Bless U & I Look forward to reading your Blogs in the future! Stay Blessed!

  27. I really enjoyed reading this blog I respect your honesty& your want to help free another survivor. Everything you’ve said in this post is so real, & I feel I understand it & feel it so deeply because I can relate to the feelings you shared. I am proud of you (especially as a man) and appreciate you greatly for sharing your story. It makes me feel GREAT to be in the presence of another SURVIVOR, because you are far from a victim. God has blessed you with unbelievable strength. Great of you to use it to help yourself as well as others, strangers and friends, around you.

  28. Thanks for being so transparent and sharing your story. I truly believe that “generational curses” are broken by obedience. It can take just one person to confess and forsake his/her sin and walk in obedience to God’s word/will to change te hearts of many!! Just the opposite of how things began. Thank you for giving hope to so many others. May the Lord bless and keep you and your beautiful family.

  29. I have read both of your blogs and I must tell you I admire you for telling your story. Your truth! These issues are so prevalent in “our” community and I have seen how molestation is thrown in the closet. It’s a thing families feel will just go away and never think how it can reshape a young person. Then to the offenders, so often they have been molested. As a result, in some cases, there’s this repeat and a revolving door. Often times society never stops and looks to see how it all came to be. I could go on and on so I will stop there, LOL! So, again I admire your courage to put it out there.

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